Entertaining safety briefings and announcements ;-)
Entertaining safety briefings and announcements ;-)
When I am in a plane, I always find the in-flight safety briefings (or 'security features' in Ryanair's terminology) so boring
As my New Year present to our nice Forum, here are funny examples where they make the "in-flight safety lecture" and the announcements a bit more entertaining.
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am, " said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
http://www.beartown.co.uk/sectionviewer.asp?ID=63
BeN
As my New Year present to our nice Forum, here are funny examples where they make the "in-flight safety lecture" and the announcements a bit more entertaining.
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am, " said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
http://www.beartown.co.uk/sectionviewer.asp?ID=63
BeN
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My first ever Sabena flight was entertaining. The steward was in a stand up comedy routine all the way through.
He welcomed passengers by saying "welcome aboard the best flight of your lives".
Then during the safety demonstration he said "when we crash into the sea watch out for the sharks".
He announced the stewardess as the "Queen of the Galley".
When we landed, after a short delay he said "welcome to Brussels. Sorry for the delay, but what's fifteen minutes in a lifetime?"
That was my introduction to Sabena and to Belgium, and I've loved the place ever since!!!
He welcomed passengers by saying "welcome aboard the best flight of your lives".
Then during the safety demonstration he said "when we crash into the sea watch out for the sharks".
He announced the stewardess as the "Queen of the Galley".
When we landed, after a short delay he said "welcome to Brussels. Sorry for the delay, but what's fifteen minutes in a lifetime?"
That was my introduction to Sabena and to Belgium, and I've loved the place ever since!!!
Sabena and Sobelair - gone but never forgotten.
Louise
Louise
On a flight from Manchester to Fairford (for the airshow) on a BA BAC 1-11 the F/A offered the following as we were descending through cloud " Our pilot today has been flying since before Pontius Pilate, so you would have thought he would have worked out where the smooth bits are!"
As we boarded for the return, the pilot, Chris Wren (then chief pilot for BA Manchester) stared his welcome " I don't know about the rest of you but I'm knackered from all the walking today"
BA used to offer many "special" flights in the mid 80's including Santa specials to the North Pole and back in 40 minutes! The highlight was a special take-off with full throttle acceleration and a very steep climb out pushing us into our seats, all this accompanied by PA soundtrack with a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown and on rotation the "ride of the Valkyries" Wagner classic.
At top of climb a partial "g" pushover had us a little less "heavy" and upon return to MAN a low fly-by down 24 and a tight turn to a very short final.
Everyone enjoyed the experience- even the less confident flyers, as the cockpit door remained open and everything was explained.
More please!
Meerkat
As we boarded for the return, the pilot, Chris Wren (then chief pilot for BA Manchester) stared his welcome " I don't know about the rest of you but I'm knackered from all the walking today"
BA used to offer many "special" flights in the mid 80's including Santa specials to the North Pole and back in 40 minutes! The highlight was a special take-off with full throttle acceleration and a very steep climb out pushing us into our seats, all this accompanied by PA soundtrack with a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown and on rotation the "ride of the Valkyries" Wagner classic.
At top of climb a partial "g" pushover had us a little less "heavy" and upon return to MAN a low fly-by down 24 and a tight turn to a very short final.
Everyone enjoyed the experience- even the less confident flyers, as the cockpit door remained open and everything was explained.
More please!
Meerkat
Never mind Andrésn26567 wrote:BeN,
It was many years ago and I don't remember them (shame on me, its due to my age ...), but they were in the same style as in your first message of this thread. It was mainly on Continental, which I used to fly a lot out of Houston IAH.
Here are some more annoucements I have just found on the web
http://www.ahajokes.com/avi029.htmlHeard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
http://www.turbulentie.nl/cgi-bin/show_ ... volg2.cgi?airline=Qantas&recordnumber=949On a Qantas Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children.
http://www.angelfire.com/hi2/scarrott18 ... lanes.htmlWe do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the light crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
BeN
Some months ago I had a flight from AMS back to MST.
It was the flight attendants final test for KLM Exel.
While doing the safety instructions the Pilot makes a sharp left turn and the poor lady felt over the Passenger that was located next to her.
Everyone started laughing including the entire crew.
The rest of the flight was very bumpy so serving drinks was really hard.
But the Lady did het best and past her final test for the airline.
Best Regards,
Yvo
It was the flight attendants final test for KLM Exel.
While doing the safety instructions the Pilot makes a sharp left turn and the poor lady felt over the Passenger that was located next to her.
Everyone started laughing including the entire crew.
The rest of the flight was very bumpy so serving drinks was really hard.
But the Lady did het best and past her final test for the airline.
Best Regards,
Yvo
The F/A was perhaps testing a new name for Charleroi in Ryanair's terminology: 'Brussels-South+Paris-North'danieln wrote:It's not really a safety announcement, but last year a flight attendant on our Prestwick-Charleroi flight, just after landing, said "Welcome to Paris". Some travellers became slightly frightened that they were on the wrong plane. It was a funny situation.
BeN